i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
