Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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