Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
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I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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