Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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