He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
