totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
