pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
