I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
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