I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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