My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
