Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
