All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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