so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
