alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
