we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
