I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
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He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
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The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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