dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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