Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
