Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
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I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
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Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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