first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
