Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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