I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
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Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
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Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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