piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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