i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
3 2 1 whiskey
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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