Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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