Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
