i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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