DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
