she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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