Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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