I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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