I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
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I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
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I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!