i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
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His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
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Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter