literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
