Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
