He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
