no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
