dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
