i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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