You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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