he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
