Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize