Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
