no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
