Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
50% drunk capacity currently
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
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