I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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