i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
