Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
