So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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