So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
