why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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