My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
