The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
My ass is underappreciated
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
