sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
