morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
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I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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