Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
