You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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