there was a trapeze. enough said
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
