How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
