Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
